


Thirteenth Day of Christmas - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

by unjaundiced



Series: Holiday Headaches [13]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Avoidance, Awkwardness, Cockblocking, Embarrassment, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5645212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ninjas style bonus round: Iruka gets Kakashi back for the mistletoe trick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thirteenth Day of Christmas - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Kakashi sighed a little, shifting uncomfortably at his perch up in the tree. He'd settled on an odd knot in the cradle of the branch node and the trunk but didn't want to draw attention to himself by moving from his spot. It had taken him long enough to find a place no one would look so he could hide—be stealthy. He wasn't hiding. He was just being really stealthy.  
  
Today was the first day the Academy was back in session after New Years break and the brats were swarming the village like Jiraiya clones at a hot springs. It was madness. He also thought that someone might have been siccing them on him because he'd found himself dodging clumsy, non-lethal, _annoying_ traps all day.  
  
The first one had been amusing. He hadn't known a frog could be inflated in _quite_ that way and hadn't stuck around to see the consequences of the caltrops that had been added to that odd equation. Fun fact: the recently-dropped baby teeth of little brothers and sisters seemed to make somewhat decent caltrops—if you were barefoot and a total  _wuss_. Let it be known that Konoha's Copy-Nin was most certainly _not_ a wuss. He had just been startled, that's all. He certainly hadn't expected _teeth_ to be glued to the _tree_ he liked to sit in.  
  
The bamboo pit-trap hadn't been so fun, especially considering the fact that the bamboo had not only been cut at sharp angles, but it had been cut _badly_ and arranged _badly_ so that he'd found himself tripping on long splinters and bamboo pipes that he couldn't quite contort his legs enough to avoid—at least not when poorly balanced log hammers were swinging at his head. He made a mental note to challenge Gai with it one day. It would make an excellent training exercise.  
  
It was when an Inuzuka brat had tried to scent mark him as Hyuuga Hiashi's prodigal brat tracked his movements through the trees with her Byakugan that it had all stopped being fun. His _Icha Icha Undercover_ had almost taken damage! Jiraiya had only produced a limited run of his spy and infiltration themed series and every copy was more valuable than a normal _Icha Icha_ book.  
  
Kakashi had signaled the end to his participation in that particularly vicious game of Tag-and-Ambush by modifying a Suiton Daibakufu no Jutsu and exploding paint all over his pursuers. He snickered to himself at the thought of Iruka's face when he saw his students after midday break. He thought the rainbow of paint vomit had actually proven quite festive. It brightened up the dreary, muddied village scene anyhow. Spring was supposed to be bright, right? Who cared that it was technically still winter. Time waits for no man!  
  
He'd actually taken a moment to admire his handiwork before a distinctive green whirlwind had sent him running, escaping mere moments before Gai had exploded onto the scene with his customary shout of “Dynamic Entry” and hurricane of leaf litter. His sobs of joy at seeing the “youthful display of colors” the Academy students now wore echoed through the village and spurred Kakashi on. There was no way Iruka hadn't heard that and wouldn't be investigating exactly _what_ it was that had made his students so “youthful” and “colorful” during the break.  
  
He'd actually initially taken refuge in Iruka's house without thinking about it, then had abandoned his sanctuary after realizing the sheer _stupidity_ of that decision as Iruka's own house was one of the first places he'd go at the end of the day. He'd bid a sad farewell to Ukki-san and Shisha-kun, promising he'd look after them as a ghost as he would surely be deceased within a few hours if Iruka had anything to do with it. His beloved children—plants—had drooped in sympathy and had waved him a rather vigorous good-bye as he'd left out the window, being extra careful to wipe off the mud he'd accidentally scuffed onto the windowsill. Just because he was going to die, didn't mean it had to be _torturous_.  
  
In a fit of boredom—and loneliness, though he'd never admit it—Kakashi summoned Pakkun. The grouchy dog took one look at the jounin and disappeared again. Kakashi frowned, growling slightly at his dog's dismissal and summoned him again, making sure to grab hold of Pakkun's vest as soon as he appeared.  
  
“You look like hell,” the pug deadpanned, blunt and unapologetic. Kakashi instinctively scrubbed at his hair. Had he gotten paint on it?  
  
“You are covered in dirt and leaves and you look like you haven't slept indoors for days. What did you do now,” Pakkun accused, eyes slitted. Kakashi sighed, suddenly finding the leaves on the neighboring tree _very_ interesting.  
  
“Why does everyone always think I've done something wrong,” the jounin whined.  
  
“It's because you normally _have_ ,” the dog snorted, unfazed.  
  
“I didn't _do_ anything,” Kakashi pouted, frowning as he felt Pakkun gathering his chakra to return home. He tightened his grip on the dog's vest.  
  
“Okay, so maybe—I'm not saying that it did or anything—but maybe something happened...” Kakashi hemmed and hawed.  
  
Pakkun stared and said nothing, chakra tightening further. Kakashi kept a death grip on the vest, tugging the dog closer.  
  
“And...” He inspected a red leaf on the tree for a moment, suddenly _fascinated_ by the dark spots on it. Pakkun shifted and Kakashi pulled the vest harder. “And I might have found The Line and crossed it.”  
  
Pakkun stared, still silent.  
  
“Okay, trampled it.”  
  
Pakkun stared for a few moments more then disappeared in a puff of smoke leaving Kakashi grabbing at air and swearing profusely. A heartbeat later and Bisuke appeared in his place, eyes huge and sad.  
  
“Need a hug?”  
  
Kakashi tried to kick the small dog out of the tree, growling at his insolence. Guruko appeared behind the jounin, snickering.  
  
“Or a snuggle buddy,” the dog yapped, dodging as Kakashi tried to push him off the branch.  
  
“It's puppy love,” Bisuke called out, jumping back as the jounin tried to poke him with a branch.  
  
“It's something, all right!” Guruko snickered as Kakashi shoved him off the branch, falling face-first into a pile of leaves and taking a bird's nest with him.  
  
“It's not like that,” Kakashi whined, leaping away from the tree, suddenly feeling _hunted_.  
  
“Our little boy's growing up,” Bisuke teased, pinballing in front of him, bouncing off tree branches.  
  
“How cute,” Guruko chimed in, shaking leaves off as he joined the chase. He snapped his jaws in a poor imitation of a kiss. “Smooch, smooch!”  
  
Kakashi growled, pushing both his dogs away as he sent himself somewhere far away. Their howls of laughter echoed through the forest behind him, chasing him over the distance.  
  
A bright orange blur whipped at his head and he instinctively ducked and blocked the follow-up punch Gai aimed at his face. The exuberant jounin grinned broadly and Kakashi had a bare moment to evade the paint-filled balloon that came next.  
  
“Play fair,” he yelped, exchanging positions with a now brilliantly orange tanuki statue.  
  
“It wouldn't be very ninja of me, would it,” Gai called back. “So tell me why you look like such a mess!”  
  
Kakashi faltered, barely managing to dodge the bright pink paint balloon that rocketed towards his knee. Time for evasive action! He pulled a piece of candy from his pocket and threw it at the jounin who halted his assault to pounce on the unhealthy thing, shouting all the reasons to avoid sweets. Kakashi took the opportunity to disappear again.  
  
This time he appeared on his own rooftop, twitching and frantically casting about for pursuers. He'd been avoiding his home all day and hadn't even gone back when he'd run away—executed evasive manoeuvres, not run away—from Iruka's house the day before. The place was mostly empty anyhow.  
  
The rustling of leaves from the trees across the street had him flinching and on edge. He decided that discretion was the better part of valour—or self-preservation. Something like that—and dropped onto the shelf of roofing that ran along the wall of the building. He carefully slid open his window and ducked inside, melting into the gloom.  
  
The empty feeling in his house made him sigh. He hadn't been home in _days_ and most of his stuff was at Iruka's house now. It felt _right_ there, cozy too. He supposed he'd have to go back and get his things soon. He shuffled through the gloom, dodging obstacles that were no longer there. He skirted around a kotatsu that wasn't taking up his living room, hopping over a pile of blankets that weren't strewn across the floor. He avoided looking into a hall mirror that wasn't hanging on the wall. He put his hand on the wall and felt for the light switch, frowning when he couldn't find it. He sighed again when he realized it was on the _opposite_ side of the doorway. It was on this side at Iruka's house.  
  
The lights seemed to twitch, then flickered on with a watery whiteness that hurt. He found himself staring at a blank wall where a cute drawing by an adoring Academy brat would have been had it been Iruka's house. He twitched at that, turning and freezing, retreating and finding himself trapped against the wall.  
  
Ukki-kun waved at him from across the room. He waved back dumbly. At the plant's side, Shisha-kun waved as well, a tiny acupressure doll that looked suspiciously like himself hanging from its upper branches, bound and gagged with tiny strips of cloth and chakra wire. A nervous shiver worked its way up his spine and nested at the base of his neck, making his hair stand even more on end. He cast a quick assessing glance around the room, self-preservation senses tingling.  
  
Nothing _seemed_ out of place, but Iruka was  _crafty_ and was far more skilled than anyone would believe. The man was a _menace_.  
  
Carefully, so as not to alert the plants to anything suspicious, Kakashi pushed his hitai-ate up with a finger, Sharingan whirling with a vengeance. The room lit up with brilliant threads of chakra weaving into carpets and lying over everything, clustering and bundling at various points in the room. The knots of chakra were so intricate that he couldn't see what they were covering, wasn't sure he wanted to know.  
  
“All right, come out,” he called out bravely. “I know you're there. I'm sorry for yesterday. We don't have to be violent about it.”  
  
Something tingled at his left and he moved automatically, nearly tripping as ropes whipped out to catch his ankles. He kicked off the wall, tumbled and twisted his torso between another series of ropes that sprung free of their catchment. He whirled as he felt something coming, ducking as a foot nearly connected with his head. He managed to block the elbow that rammed against his ribcage and took a fist to his stomach for the effort. He grunted, wrapping his hands around the arm attached and throwing his attacker across the room.  
  
Iruka grinned ferally before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Kakashi growled, leaping away as the floorboards dissolved into a strange swirling goo that looked a lot like snot. He groaned, _really_ disgusted but completely impressed. He countered with an earth jutsu that covered the snot bog with a layer of cracked earth, grinning in accomplishment before somersaulting away from a sudden barrage of kunai.  
  
He dug around in his weapons pouch and happened upon a paint bomb he'd lifted when Gai had initially attacked him and slammed it right in Iruka's face, grimacing as that Iruka melted into water. Iruka retaliated by throwing a toilet brush at him, responding with a grimace of his own as Kakashi crumbled to dust. He barely managed to avoid the mochiko bomb that came next.  
  
Kakashi hadn't realized he'd been herded until Iruka lunged at him—at his face to be more precise—hands bare and grasping greedily at air. He'd leaned back out of reach and found himself falling, knees hooked by wire strung across the doorway. He tumbled back, doom at the forefront of his mind as he felt fingers clutching at his mask. He reared back, eyes wide with surprise. Iruka loomed and yanked the mask down. Kakashi closed his eyes, defeated.  
  
Hot lips crashed against his and his eyes flew open in surprise, hands flailing at nothing before settling at Iruka's waist, clenching tight in the fabric of his vest. What on earth? Iruka glared at him in open challenge and he smirked in response, pushing back, rallying a counterattack.  
  
They grappled in the hallway, shoving at each other's shoulders and kicking as legs got in the way, sliding across the dusty floorboards until Kakashi's back met the wall. He grunted as he met the obstacle, turning a defence into an offence and caging the chuunin in his arms. Iruka's lips opened under his—probably to say something cheeky and mood breaking—and Kakashi took full advantage, sliding his tongue in as an opening parry.  
  
Iruka grumbled under his breath, prying open the zipper to the jounin's vest so he could reach the man's vulnerable stomach. He pulled his fist back, most likely to land a punch, when Kakashi did _something_ with his tongue that made Iruka moan. He leaned in instead, fingers twisting in the jounin's shirt.  
  
Kakashi pressed his hands against Iruka's back, frowned and patted at the thick fabric somewhat frantically, then fumbled for the front of the vest, struggling to free the chuunin from his outerwear. Iruka snickered slightly, choking off into a stuttered whimper as the jounin's fingers slid up his back, arching into Kakashi's touch with a breathy groan.  
  
Kakashi was lost in a world of sensations as he mapped out silky flesh with his sensitive fingertips, reveling at the fingers tangled in his hair. His lips _hurt_ from being over-sensitised but he couldn't bring himself to care, to move away. He felt Iruka's firm body pressed against his and nothing had ever felt so _right_.  
  
Tentative hands danced along the hem of his shirt and he arched up in greedy assent. He opened his mouth more and then—  
  
“Well, it looks like they worked everything out,” Asuma's amused voice broke through the fog. Iruka froze. Kakashi paused, then sighed softly, utterly defeated.  
  
“See, I told you he wouldn't kill him,” Kurenai chimed in. Kakashi slowly slid a glance down the hallway to the gaping front door and blanched.  He ducked his head and yanked up his mask, replacing his arms to their previous position so quickly and smoothly it looked like his mask had just jutsued itself back on.  
  
“I-I-I...” Sakura's mindless babble sealed the humiliation as the girl sank the floor, blood running freely from her nose. Naruto sat on the ground, eyes round and huge, mouth moving but not saying anything. Sasuke's smug smirk was the worst of all.  
  
Iruka burrowed into Kakashi's arms, visibly humiliated. He mumbled something that the jounin had to lean in to hear.  
  
“ _At least I can say I'm the better kisser_.”

 

* * *

  **Omake Theatre**

 

“How can you wear your boots in the house! Iruka-sensei, you always scold me about that,” Naruto screeched. Kurenai and Asuma stumbled a bit.  
  
“Kid. _That's_ what's bothering you,” Asuma muttered as he scratched at his head.  
  
“Oh gods. It's not what it looks like,” Iruka protested, trying to push Kakashi away as the jounin tried to snuggle against his stomach. “ _Stop that_ ,” he hissed under his breath.  
  
“I have been gloriously defeated in the youthful pursuit of love,” Gai loudly proclaimed, surprising them all with his sudden appearance in the doorway. Ebisu hovered at his side looking absolutely _crushed_.

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally written for the 12 Days of Christmas Challenge on Livejournal in 2010, starting with the first day of Christmas (December 25). It's basically all crack and I apologise for nothing.


End file.
